January 6-7, 2025
18:38
I've decided I'll finally start writing this blog. This will work as some sort of self-documenting for my boring and pointless life.
Today has been a boring day like no other, I've been trying to indulge in small things that bring me joy. But joy at the end of the day achieves little to nothing, distracts me from real life in most cases. As for the things that bring me joy, they might qualify as dumb, silly, stupid, _pointless_. Isn't that the idea in the end? Anyways, I tend to like to bait random anons into talking to me, posing as a horny girl in random IRC chats, and getting the joy of seeing how people get mad at me for not acting as they expect me to. Is fun, although not for so long, I try to limit my time doing so because yeah, it gets boring, even too boring for me.
Doing these kind of things has brought me useful stuff _sometimes_ though. Like good recommendations for comics or stories, I like consuming these sometimes, they help me develop my own.
I don't know if I'll ever find the answer to mend this eternal feel of dread or why I feel like everything is pointless, I've even been to therapy and that didn't help me much besides knowing I'm on the autism spectrum. It has helped me know why was I born this way, but I don't understand what to do with it now; I mean I have a reason for my behavior now, but I can't do shit with it. So there's not much point into it anymore. I overcame a lot of difficulties I had in te past, such as being overly attached to people, needing people to be around me all the time to feel secure. But new problems will arise everytime, and I'm in front of a problem I'm not sure if it'll be resolved.
I've went to therapy as I said, even asked chatbots about it, read thousands of possible solutions people have given to it, still nothing; not even close to what might be the answer for me. I'm aware that I need to find the answer myself, but I've got no good guidance towards it yet. I've also tried a lot of things and they don't serve as much help so far, I don't think I've given up on trying either, but so far I think is better to focus on... writing.
Writing my silly stupid dumb useless thoughts? Is the only thing I'm able to do at the moment. I have no desire nor will to work on anything else but this. I'm not even sure if this mindset will change over time, as I keep working in this website, but I'm a little hopeful. I don't really care if barely nobody ends up reading it, I just want to scream into the void.
20:23
Two hours have passed, I have some more yapping to do.
There's no way you can clone someone's mind. You can't become exactly like another person either. You can try to be as close to that person as you possibly could, though.
It doesn't matter how many goals or desires to live I put upon myself, I still don't find them fullfiling and I feel like I do them out of survival, out of keeping myself entertained. I build a ton of ideas in my mind but I never end up doing them, as I settle down with just thinking about them and deriving some contempt from just that.
I don't also want to go back to be the dependant on others person I used to be before, even if that position seemed very easy to be into and effortless. I have people whom I couuld reach out, and I've tried, but the interactions I have with them are just superficial and don't offer a sense of taking steps into resolution. They might provide temporal relief, company, but it doesn't get any deeper than that; and it's dissapointing. I can proudly say that I have people in my life who are very close to me, and I love and appreciate them very much, but of course they don't provide fullfilment. That's normal, I'm not saying I'm not grateful or that I don't want/need them in my life, I'm pretty sure I'd be even worset than what I am nowadays if I didn't have them. But I'm also aware that I'm the only one who can help themselves, it feels sad though, to think nobody can actually help me. To think I don't have the guidance I need and I'm lost at the end of all things.
21:46
I've been feeling sad because I don't have as much in-depth conversations with the people I think I'd have a lot of good in-depth conversations. And this isn't just because someone mentioned it to me today, is a feeling that's been on my mind for a couple of days now. Sure, sometimes there's nothing really deep to talk about with your friends, or anyone. But when there are, I just resolve to talk about it with myself in my mind, not even writing about it anywhere (although that could be fixed if I actually commit to write everyday starting today) also obviously not everyday has to be a super reflexive day or productive day or anything. Life is slow and boring, mostly _pointless_, and I end up just contributing to the boredom of it all in the end; by not taking action into trying to change said path. I personally think is because sometimes I see no desirable or purposeful outcome of said actions. I feel a lack of will and desire to engage into those things as I stated before in this entry, they don't bring me much joy, satisfaction, anything. Even if they were, the amount of it is too small and short term that I end up not caring about doing it in the end. When I do end up doing them, maybe out of spite, I regret doing so because the outcome is not really insightful.
Perhaps this whole lot of spitting out random thoughts and sort of "practicing" chatting with random people in IRC chats would pay off some day, and I'll become a better conversationist, or whatever you call that thing. I don't really feel like using a chatbot for said purpose, it feels like I'm not really learning how to converse at all.
0:14
At this time my brain stops functioning, usually I start getting random itches to scrath my inner mouth or any part of my skin, is like my whole body itches and it feels awful. It'd be better if I go to sleep, but 99% I refuse to do so. For some reason I like struggling, I like feeling like there's some tiny bit extra of effort to keep me sitting here, with my whole body itching and pleading for me to get in a better position or just lie down. As I purposely ignore that and keep struggling forever. I didn't ask to be born, yet I am here, I have almost nothing to do with my time, so I've just set my goal to be writing until I can't write anymore; if I end up growing old and with some awful illness like Alzheimer's, at least I'll have something to look backwards to, at least I was present in some moment in time within the mind of someone. My thoughts were inside the mind of someone, even for a small fraction of time, even the journals and entries I've only been able to read myself.
I also hope my writing improves with time, I feel like I'm very rusty when it comes to this, and I need to consume more, books? fanficions would be something nice to start off with, or even manga.
1:22
The struggle increases with time, thoughts become more and more rarted, unorganized, and faster. The control I tend to have over irrational and intrusive thoughts starts failing slowly, at this point the feelings take over; but not enough to prompt me to do something anyways.
In the past, I've misdiagnosed myself with DID, and it made me make a lot of awful and stupid decisions; despite that, I've come to the conclusion that my brain must function in a similar way, in the sense that I keep using different personas for each situation. I have a lot of special-tailored personalities for different situations I've faced before. It is an improved version of what I've been calling 'headspace' for a long time now. It started at just a bunch of autistic stories where I'd mix and crossover a bunch of stuff that I liked at the time (and some of them I still do). Stories where I'd self insert and make me the most powerful entity there, then it'd diverge into just fantasies I'd dream of having in real life; some of them being made into actual fanfiction I used to write then. Then, as it is nowadays, just a way for my brain to cope with real life circumstances, I guess is normal? even working on this "goal" of writing everyday as much as I'm able to might count as coping. The truth is that I don't have anyone to yap this much with, sure the people who are my closest friends would love to listen, but pay mind that this whole entry was thoughts I had progressively during the day. And they don't have the time to listen me yap everytime, I need to show care for them too y'know?